Category Archives: Life News…

This is why I write.

I have been told by some concerned loved ones that my writing may be too focused on MS and they were concerned i gave it too much attention.The following is how I explained it to them because it honestly how I feel and I appreciated that they brought it to my attention.

You are the reason I put it all out there. I expose what I think I would have appreciated being told or reading about back when I received my dx. I write these personal topics because I know they are reaching people who are not able to say it for themselves. People who are uncomfortable, scared and just lost. I write for the people who thought they were only ones dealing with this. It’s important for both the people going through this and also those who are unfamiliar with what actually goes on.

The only thing I dont write for is, sympathy. All I have ever wanted to accomplish with this blog is helping others, sharing my views and experiences. All I have ever wanted to do is help others and my writing makes me feel like I am finally in the right direction. Being in the Army, helped and being a volunteer Firefighter also helped, but this is something big.

I remember the first set of tears I shed the moment I was told, “I think you have multiple sclerosis” by a fairly uncertain and socially awkward Chinese Neurologist, who originally told me I was too stressed and prescribed me Xanax. Yeh, that guy.

So if that is what I had to deal with, I know someone had it worse. There is also a chance that “someone” may also be a private soul, that does not want to discuss this or just doesnt have a support structure like some of us lucky people do. Whatever the case, these people are out there and friends to some of us. My writing is for them.

Nobody should been left alone with only the doctors explanations and their own mind. It’s just not enough, people need information and strive to find answers. With a diagnosis, you constantly want answers. The issue I have is, what would the answers get you. I have had many unexplained situations in my life and looking back, I dont think answers would have improved many of them.

Sometimes what you dont get, is answers but it doesnt mean we cant talk about it.

 

I’m fine but my legs feel terminal.

These days, I am working out harder than I have since boot camp. Its been about a decade since those days so you can imagine how hard this is, now add the DX of Multiple Sclerosis and it just got harder. I know that this is my best shot at staying mobile and it has got to happen as opposed to the days when excuses covered it there is no, plan B.

I see a personal trainer twice a week and she knows how to make me sweat, professionally.  I have heard the same thing from all of the MS trainers “strengthen your core!” and that is precisely what I am doing. If you are wondering, yes, it hurts a lot in the beginning because these have been used for quite some time.

Yoga is also part of this new world I have been thrown face first into. If you ever think for a moment that Yoga is easy my guess is you have never tried it or are just plain doing it wrong. It’s a hell of a workout and really lets you know what kind of shape your body is (not) in.

I tend to laugh when I get hurt and because of that trait my trainer thinks I am generally stoned. I laugh when I lose my balance while Cher (my trainer) is testing strength levels in each leg. Laughing when I fall over, get dizzy, need a nap or whatever the case is how I mentally smile and cope with my issues.

Laughing is the easiest way to handle the generally disorganized array of issues MS brings to the table. It still doesnt explain why its funny but it helps.

Its taken a while to get here but the terminal feeling in my legs is the daily aggressive constricting pain I have.  The picture on the left completely represents how my legs feel (if they were lizards.) It’s in both legs and really doesn’t go away. Sadly the doctors only answer is to mask it/cover it up with drugs.

I would do absolutely anything to go back to a few things. First off, being comfortable in bed. I reamember what life was like prior to this diagnosis and it was just plain easier. One of the ways was geting comfy in bed. These days I am rolling over and over, stretching out and then curling up into the fetal position where I stop for a few minites. Under a blanket to just a sheet meaning hot, cold, hot, cold. I wake up shivering and other times soaking wet in sweat. Nobody can explain why and nothing really helps. The best trick I have learned is, Bamboo Sheets. Truly life changing if you to deal with heat sensitivity.

When I go to see my neurologist each month he asks “How is everything going?” and each month its the same answer because nothing really  changes all that much, The pain continues and presents itself in the exact same manner and location. The doctor is pleased because no new lesions have shown up but as for my quality of life, he is quite concerned by the pain. Narcotics are not a long term answer for me but for now they are out of ideas. All I know is that I need my legs to work and will continue to hurt and fight in the gym if it means I can keep walking.

I had what I think is my 12th infusion yesterday and the bad news is I feel much worse ever since. My legs are a mess, wobbly, unreliable and quite concerning. Other strange part is this is the first time I have slept after the night following my infusion and at length, about 10 hours. For me, a lot!

You name it, I have tried it with almost every pain medication out there. I think the spasticity meds work but I need to remember to take them but yesterday was the first time that i completely forgot to take anything for pain.

It’s a Good feeling.

Marijuana or Medication?

I am tired of this topic but its obviously still an issue. Medications have a nice long list of side effects (which doctors dont mention when prescribing) that may be worse than the original problem. It’s a tough debate depending on your feelings of The Law. If you are familiar with my site, you know where I stand. I medicate daily in a mostly accepting state, New York. Its decriminalized here but you can still be in trouble if using in public.

You cannot overdose or die from it. It doesn’t constipate or cause seizures, and it grows directly out of the ground.

My research shows that not one of big pharma’s medications on the market can make these claims.

The other side of the road involves MANY co-pays, doctors visits and follow-ups. The side effects have been worse than the problem in some of my cases. If you take them incorrectly or in conjunction with another medication (who knows which ones) it could fuck, you, up and in some cases causes death. I guess ultimately, its death that concerns me when I hear these commercials. Mostly because I am not a pharmacist and also because, the pharmacists I have seen, scare me.

I am not saying go get high for the common cold. Truth is I am saying get high if your limbs are not actively working with what you are trying to make them do, get high if you drop things regularly and get embarrassed publicly, medicate if going out in public makes you anxious and nervous. Smoke and joint and tell me you dont feel better, i dare you.

It stimulates my appetite which had been previously wiped out by the medication. It helps my mind to rest and body to follow. When used correctly (in moderation) it will not dumb you down, make you lazy, jump out the window, eat children, turn you into a junkie or lose your job (rules and restrictions may apply.) What it will do is, help you continue with your lifestyle before your dx (diagnosis.)

Those were all pieces of the governments propaganda. Most of them are funny but it’s because you are educated. The scary side of this is people who are not. People are buying into it and being forced into doing whatever they are told. These are the people preaching against medicinal marijuana strictly because they are following the rules and don’t know any better, my heart goes out to them all.

I am very interested to hear what everyone thinks about this topic, so please throw some comments up.

-Dopie

http://about.me/dopie

Adventures with Petie

Now that we have a vehicle in the city, it’s time to bring Petie with us. Where you may ask, well, EVERYWHERE! Last weekend was a trip to visit friends in Staten Island for the day.

Not a bad ride out in the morning considering it had snowed for the first time this winter that morning. Only a few inches but it was enough to make it a slow paced ride. From the looks Petie was giving me, the slower, the better. I did some reading and have learned that he has classic car motion sickness. There are many recomendations to assist in working with this but the truth is, you need lots of towels, love and patience. (Benadryl doesnt hurt either)

The second trip was much longer to go out to my dad’s house in NJ. Problem here is lots of windy roads and stop, go, stop, go trsffic. The poor fucking dog, honestly. He nailed day one but this was going to be a challenge. An hour into it we were in NJ and close to dad’s. It was the perfect time to stop and grab coffee since my wife was comfortably setup in the back seat with the dog.  From what I am told, as soon as I left the truck he started moaning and crying in his drug induced slumber.

Petie never drools or slobbers on anything but the moment he sees you are headed to a car , it begins. Drooling water out of both sides simultaneously and looks miserable as he lays still, that’s the good part. He doesn’t try to move around and basically makes a sad puddle wherever you place his head.  The adorable part comes when he first exits the vehicle as his legs look like he’s been on a boat all day. Wobbling and taking it slow he wanders around with zero excitement in his step, very not like Petie! We are still looking for a better answer to make him happy but for the time being, he gets to go wherever we go.

Please send over any ideas you have!

-Dopie

 http://about.me/dopie

An exercise, that worked!.

 

Last night, my wife asked me to try something to help with my stress and anxiety. I was to listen to music with no words, while keeping my eyes closed and ask myself  ”What do I want?”  While repeating that question to myself I was to begin freewriting . Below are my results and  boy does it speak in volumes.I want to remove negativity and gain a sense of fulfillment.

While listening to Beethoven, I came up with the following”

I need to get out of an environment that is created with problems.

I am happy helping others, giving to others and offering my skills.

I want to remove the pain in my life caused by my job.

I want to add a professional source of happiness.

I need to remove the anxiety that is my job.

 

I want a slap on the back and to be told “great job” like my wife

I want positive attitudes and not negative reinforcement.

I just want to feel that I made a difference.

I want to make someone smile.

I want to ignore the daily issues and focus on the real problems of a larger scale.

 

To my wife and I this means that its time I stop talking about helping myself and others and do something about it. Well, I have already begun fundraising for Burton’s Chill Foundation through a friend of mine. That is a baby step which is to be followed by a much larger level for example volunteering with something like the Big Brother program. I need to do something for myself as I feel really fucking empty on the inside.  I am open to other ideas as to where I should put my time in, so please, send me your ideas.

-Dopie

http://about.me/dopie

Facebook can make your marriage a sad panda….

I figured it out, Facebook is a great way to prolong a one night stand….                                                                                                                                                                                                               Back in the day you could sleep with someone and never speak to them again. These days if you have someones email address, you’ve got a portal to everything about them. What people are not picking up on is that internet naughtiness is a great way to toss a relationship out the window.

It turns into a complete addiction for some, while others didn’t even get off before they were told to GET OFF!

Pathetic, yeh kinda.

Dark, well yeh, a bit.

Most people have been privy to it at one time or another. Maybe you didn’t completely “cyber” but you wouldn’t go sharing it with your significant other, right? Well that is the moment you should take a step back and realize that it’s something wrong. you are taking part in. Until someone shared that thought with me, I never practiced it. Now, its just the truth and the alternative is NOT worth it.

Time and time again I have come across these stories about Facebook, Find My Friends or even txting being the reason for their irreconcilable differences and each time I think, are you fucking kidding me? This is where people start to drop to lose me. This is the moment when you hear that the cheater didn’t initiate it and never replied that they were interested. Just because you didn’t say yes doesn’t mean you said no.

I’ll believe these statements when I believe Anthony Wiener’s Twitter was hacked.

In the words of a very smart man “Who fucking cares what your intentions were?! It’s your actions that are the problem!” because its the results people care about not what you meant to do. Children know when they fuck up and they make excuses for it, adults tell you about their intentions.

The truth is that many years ago, prior to meeting my wife, I was engaged and it ended badly.  Even while engaged things were very rocky .  So rocky that I had to question mutual friends as to what was really going on. Things unfolded before my very eyes, and the last piece of the puzzle was, Facebook.  After I discovered her cheating on me with a “friend” I was obviously furious, hurt and most importantly, distrustful. So distrustful that we opened her Facebook account together so she could prove, nothing was going on. As if it were a TV show, the first message in the inbox was her friend bragging about the guys from the other night in not so many words. I didn’t even need to go to message number two. That’s all it took and I was out.

As far as she and many others thought, Facebook was the magical place where nobody can be caught doing anything wrong, access your information or view your personal logs. Facebook is just like being 50 miles off shore, where rules and laws don’t apply.

I haven’t written it in a while but everything I write is fact. I do not make up stories. That being said, thank god I got myself out of that disaster and into the amazing world I am now a part of with my best friend as my wife.

Play time is over.

I am a very friendly and easy going person until you push me too far. Some of my wife’s friends have just accomplished that. I am done with their stupid comments, their half witted jokes and even a stupid looks. She is my wife, not a girlfriend and that means, I don’t have to be fucking nice to you, any longer!

You disrespect her or me and we will have words. It would be my pleasure to remove trash from her presence, her online life or anywhere else you crawl out from. She is the nicest person I have had the pleasure of knowing and the only problem with that is the pathetic people that take advantage, think a friendship is one way and basically use others. The good news is that I can go to bat for her and deal with you all myself. Being a smart ass is one thing but some of you can go fuck yourselves. The time when I had to be nice to people was before we were married.

The ones who I care about should have no question who they are.  The acquaintances in our lives can be replaced hourly because that’s the way that title goes, if you think you mean nothing to me, ask.

Chill, the perfect way for me to give back!

The temp has finally dropped and I am looking to my living room wall for inspiration, Snowboarding is here! Riding my board on a cold snowy slope is one of my absolute favorite moments. Even with my legs feeling like glorified jello, I am going to ride. It’s almost a year since my diagnosis and I am doing everything in my power to stay active and doing what I love. This year its even more special because with the help of a friend I will be able to snowboard while helping underprivileged inner-city kids. Aside from Snowboarding my other passion is and always has been, helping others. Now I may be able to combing both, awesome!

The  New York City Chapter  of The Chill Foundation (Chill – Burton) is how I plan on doing all of this. Well, with a lot of help from my friend Rachel.

This will be a great opportunity for me to stay active come Winter and also a good way to keep my muscle up to help with the MS. MS is a good talking point to explain how we all have unforeseen things that happen to us and that we need to approach and conquer. Chill is there for kids who are the victim of such experiences and home lives. We don’t get to pick our parents and there are kids out there being born into abuse, poverty and just bad role models. Chill is an opportunity for those kids to learn to be strong from the inside out, while having fun doing it. At this point I think the biggest challenge I will have is getting the necessary time off to be part of this.

Updates to come…

.xxx is a legitimate domain

 

I was so excited when I heard that this was coming on the market. Like an adolescent boy with his first Playboy, I did not know what to do with myself. I wanted to buy everything my twisted little mind came up with but then I realized, it was an announcement about future plans. As quickly as I became excited, I was let down.

Eight months later, on December 6th, 2011 it happened and the excitement came right back to me. I rushed to GoDaddy and made my purchase with zero knowledge of  the prerequisites that would need to be met. Never before did a domain extension require you to fill out paperwork about your intentions, the industry you are in or your age. Never before did I have to explain why I bought something (unless it’s my wife.) I followed all the steps and now, I am the proud owner of DopiesLife.XXX and I love it. Its not that it is such a thrill but I am very happy with my site being represented in this manner. I have a fairly twisted mind and.xxx sums it up very well.

I have zero porn on my site but I use enough language to make you think “it could happen…” It’s just my way and if you don’t like it, get the fuck off my site. ;)

It’s my birthday, who’ll be at my funeral?

Today is my birthday and I think, who will be at my funeral? I think, we, as humans, ask ourselves at least a few times. Not that it matters in the slightest but its a very intriguing thought of who would show up, who would cry and who would hear the news and not give a shit. Take that idea and bring it to a different light, who will show up at your wedding?

As strange as it sounds, this question has repeated itself for years. I assume the people in question will have excuses for not going as far as the eye can see and they will be half assed and represent how they feel about you.Its a dark thought that as far as I know I will never get answered and it couldn’t impact anything less.

This all began by thinking, who from my wedding will one day be at my funeral. I know its dark but what a huge thought. There are many I am sure of but its the unsure ones that interest me more. I guess if we knew ahead of time it may help with who you consider a friend or at least who you want to hang onto. Clearly we all have filler in our lives but who can honestly identify them?